Utegate revisited

Ayatollah Kevini: I seem to have a wee problem ... my right-hand man's been accused of brandishing a Luger to help a mate, and...

TAW: Well, did he?

AK: I for one didn't see it. And of course we've both looked all over our joint PMO (Prudent Management Office) rooms and there's no trace of the gun. Surely I'm off the hook?!

TAW: Any chance for the gun to have gone AWOL - perhaps there's been a hold-up at the Treasurer's Palace?

AK: Fair shake of the night-jar, mate! But no! I'd say there never was a real gun, that's what we've already told the police - our guess is that The Candidate got a replica, smuggled it into the drawers of that weedy witness and it took off from there!

TAW: A prudent course, indeed. I take it you made sure that other potentially damaging angles have been, er, covered? That mate in question didn't really need any help anyway because he relied on other sources? (One must wonder when this little detail might pique a journo's curiosity, assuming there's one left without endemic job insecurity...).

AK: Yep, not even those talk-back hyenas as much as sniffed at that, cobber! He didn't need to. Because I finally paid for that heap of junk, with interest!

TAW: Let's not go down the interest road - Ahmedinewaine might want a shoot-out! Don't tell me he's lost his bottle, too, fair shake of the whatsis... There he goes, never one to listen to good advice.

--- A new supplicant arrives ---

Weedy Witness: Excuse me for bothering you, Exalted Oracle, I seem to recall you deal in dubious advice - sorry, that came out different from what I meant to say. But am I at the right spot? I just want to run a scenario past you without being elbowed by my betters, er, superiors...

TAW: Shoot man - now I definitely don't mean this literally.

WW: You see, what might have happened is that I may actually have seen the real gun - although one can never be sure, can one? And to jog my memory, and be able to prove this possible sighting, if push came to shove, I whipped up a neat little replica in our metal workshop and dispatched it to my modest residence.

TAW: Blimey! That was courageous, are servants generally so civil, I mean, courageous these days? Whatever they'll now pin on you: I don't somehow think it will be a medal...

(To be continued)

A value-free consultation

The Augur's Well (TAW): I seem to recognise you in another guise - weren't you the much-acclaimed Minister for Containment at one stage?

The Supplicant (Rudd Pillock): I can't confirm or deny that for operational reasons.

TAW: What brings you hither then, Mr Pillock?

Pillock: You will please show me the respect due to an Attorney-General...

TAW: Certainly, General, eh, Attorney-General... What can I do you for?

Pillock: Leave out the feeble attempt at humour for a start, or I'll have you raided quick-smart...

TAW: So sorry. What is your current inquiry?

Pillock: You will understand that I cannot divulge that for operational reasons...

TAW: Ah, so... May I speculate that it has to do with the anti-terror bill that was so promptly passed at the mere drop of a suggested threat to our fair city of Melbourne? Sorry, I know, operational reasons...

Pillock: It was 'a' anti-terror bill, not 'the' anti-terror bill!

TAW: Sorry 'bout that - I hope you're not here to entrap me into making seditious statements... I was about to joke that 'the worst is yet to come'.

Pillock: We'll have the likes of you for indefinite questioning yet, misguiding the populace with ambiguous sentences and all!

TAW: Straight into sentencing, are we then? You seem to need some good advice
badly...

Pillock: There you go again! But perhaps you could arrange for any advice to be routed through the relevant agencies?

TAW: Are there any? I mean, are any relevant when it comes to oracles? You're meant to pick your own meanings out of whatever advice is given...

Pillock: You can bet your sweet bippie!

TAW: It was a pleasure consulting with you, Attorney-General!

Future-proofing Australia

"Honest" John:
I'm not given to maundering, but it hurts getting your shins kicked by all and sundry when all you want to do is future-proof our country. What can I say to people who ridicule my doing a kow-towing 'split' to keep my front foot in the ANZUS circle and put my back foot firmly in the China camp? I'm only doing it for the good of Australia, mate!

The Augur's Well (TAW):
That's a tough one...

"Honest" John:
Those commie, eh, crummy critics just don't credit my foresight! Here I am, working hard, well past retirement age, because I happen to believe in putting Australia's position to good use - bending over backwards...

TAW:
I thought you were doing splits...

"Honest" John:
Naw, come off it! My position is simply this: This country CAN be trusted as the serious broker between super-powers any day! Look mate, I'm buying tens of billions of dollars worth of war surplus from the U.S., which gives Bush a chance to modernise his arsenal without dipping deeper into the deficit. And I'm selling tens of billions worth of gas, coal and steel to the good folks in Beijing, so they can pull even in the arms, sorry: trade race - give or take the little extra French hardware they may still need to buy...

TAW:
That's so even-handed! Still, the domestic position is awkward, to say the least. You may have some explaining to do before the natives get too restive.

"Honest" John:
I know, I know! Vitello's henchmen are sharpening their knives, already...

TAW:
Perhaps you should boldly proclaim your vision for a future Australia that has a good chance to be left in peace - I mean, the most aspirational battler will get it if you explain it all in "Tampa" terms.

"Honest" John:
Don't remind me of that friggin' vessel... What's the bare-faced version the people require this time?

TAW:
Just tell it like it is: you are ridding Australia as fast as you can - infrastructure bottlenecks permitting - of anything that could make an invasion worthwhile, such as oil or gas. You're sending the old-growth trees to Japan as chopsticks or ingredients for cheap MDF re-imports. You're getting rid of the dangerous uranium. You're accumulating a pile of old junk that won't threaten anyone in a million years, what with non-navigating Sea Sprites, sub-standard submarines, frou-frou frigates - you name it, we've got it. Or got to have it, if the Thais or Indonesians or Yemenis don't want it...

"Honest" John:
I think you're on to something there! Plus, I'm doing my bit for the economy - I'm relieving the TLFs (Those Less Fortunate - Ed.) of those spare dollars they'd otherwise spend on whipping up inflation. Thanks, mate! Made my day, cobber!

TAW:
They'll give you due credit. Just don't spend it all at once, son!

Heel, Premier, heel...

Treasurer: How can I deal with the rambunctious Labor States when they refuse to drop taxes as pledged? They won't even take my $A330 million sweetener... should I just withhold some GST payments?

The Augur's Well (TAW): If you do this, your name will become mud. Remember Johnny 'Never, ever' Howard? If you retain some GST for the Feds, everyone but everyone will say: 'See? mean and tricky... told ya so!'

Treasurer: But what am I to do? Those Premiers must be brought to heel [or did he say kneel?]. And my stocks will rise if I can put 'em in them...

TAW: There's a way that ol' Solly could have sold to David. But it takes courage!

Treasurer: Don't suggest I haven't got the ticker...

TAW: O.K., here goes: The Coalition Government drops the GST rate from 10 per cent to, say, 9 per cent...

Treasurer: Hang on! Where's the mileage in that?

TAW: You kill two birds with one stone, and it won't even crack up the glasshouse - you will be in effect withholding some GST from the States, and you'll be giving the great unwashed horde of battlers some measure of tax relief. How neat is that?

Treasurer: My word! And I don't even need to DO it... just talking about considering it will swing those recalcitrants
'round to seeing sense... Just brilliant, that's what I am! I'm not the greatest living Treasurer for nothing, man!

TAW: Go in pieces, my son...