Future-proofing Australia

"Honest" John:
I'm not given to maundering, but it hurts getting your shins kicked by all and sundry when all you want to do is future-proof our country. What can I say to people who ridicule my doing a kow-towing 'split' to keep my front foot in the ANZUS circle and put my back foot firmly in the China camp? I'm only doing it for the good of Australia, mate!

The Augur's Well (TAW):
That's a tough one...

"Honest" John:
Those commie, eh, crummy critics just don't credit my foresight! Here I am, working hard, well past retirement age, because I happen to believe in putting Australia's position to good use - bending over backwards...

TAW:
I thought you were doing splits...

"Honest" John:
Naw, come off it! My position is simply this: This country CAN be trusted as the serious broker between super-powers any day! Look mate, I'm buying tens of billions of dollars worth of war surplus from the U.S., which gives Bush a chance to modernise his arsenal without dipping deeper into the deficit. And I'm selling tens of billions worth of gas, coal and steel to the good folks in Beijing, so they can pull even in the arms, sorry: trade race - give or take the little extra French hardware they may still need to buy...

TAW:
That's so even-handed! Still, the domestic position is awkward, to say the least. You may have some explaining to do before the natives get too restive.

"Honest" John:
I know, I know! Vitello's henchmen are sharpening their knives, already...

TAW:
Perhaps you should boldly proclaim your vision for a future Australia that has a good chance to be left in peace - I mean, the most aspirational battler will get it if you explain it all in "Tampa" terms.

"Honest" John:
Don't remind me of that friggin' vessel... What's the bare-faced version the people require this time?

TAW:
Just tell it like it is: you are ridding Australia as fast as you can - infrastructure bottlenecks permitting - of anything that could make an invasion worthwhile, such as oil or gas. You're sending the old-growth trees to Japan as chopsticks or ingredients for cheap MDF re-imports. You're getting rid of the dangerous uranium. You're accumulating a pile of old junk that won't threaten anyone in a million years, what with non-navigating Sea Sprites, sub-standard submarines, frou-frou frigates - you name it, we've got it. Or got to have it, if the Thais or Indonesians or Yemenis don't want it...

"Honest" John:
I think you're on to something there! Plus, I'm doing my bit for the economy - I'm relieving the TLFs (Those Less Fortunate - Ed.) of those spare dollars they'd otherwise spend on whipping up inflation. Thanks, mate! Made my day, cobber!

TAW:
They'll give you due credit. Just don't spend it all at once, son!